W C Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W C Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W C Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
W C Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W C Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W C Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W C Fields

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
W C Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
W C Fields

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W C Fields

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W C Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
W C Fields

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
W C Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W C Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W C Fields

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W C Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W C Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W C Fields

I drink therefore I am.
W C Fields

I like children - fried.
W C Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W C Fields